38. Dealing with Dislike

I read a quote recently that made me stop and think.

Said quote was: “Stop worrying so much about other people liking you. Most people don’t even like themselves“.

I read it in Chris Williamson’s 3 Minute Monday newsletter (which is excellent btw, defo worth subscribing to).

It made me stop and think because I’m someone who, probably not too uncommonly, really doesn’t like it when people don’t like me. Which is a bit of a shame really, as it seems to happen with unfortunate regularity.

And I kinda get it to be honest. I can be incredibly grumpy and irritable (especially when I’m tired, or hungry, or feel like I’m wasting my time - a particular pet peeve). I can also be very impatient, slightly overbearing, occasionally confrontational, take things overly personally, and by some people (even though it’s not the intention), perceived as arrogant. Amongst a whole host of other character faults. So yeah, I do get it.

I've also come to realise that regardless of any flaws we may have, we’ll always just rub some people up the wrong way. And no matter what we do, it’s almost impossible to change their perception of us.

Denzel Washington (big shout out to Denzel!) observed that “Some people will never like you because your spirit irritates their demons”.

Our spirit, and I'd also add our actions to that. It's pretty common to get neggy vibes from someone simply because who we are and what we do shines a light on that person's own perceived shortcomings and generally low self-image. In short, hater jealousy.

This is something that at some point in our lives, I’m sure we’ve all:

a) been the perpetrator of (naughty us!) and

b) been on the receiving end of.

And to state the obvious, it’s hardly a healthy place to be.

The toxicity of this is something Naval Ravikant and Joe Rogan discussed on their excellent episode of the JRE. Naval explains that one of the reasons why it’s tempting to negatively judge other people (for whatever reason; appearance, actions, achievements, status, background etc.) is because we get an instant dopamine hit, and immediately feel better about ourselves. Or more accurately, feel that we're better than the person we’re judging.

Unfortunately, there's a pretty significant downside to this. The more we do it, the more we alienate ourselves from others. And as a natural consequence, further erode our already low base level of self-esteem, self-worth and general 'happiness'.

This vicious cycle (which we'll call the very catchy 'Resent, Judgement, Loneliness Cycle) basically goes:

Excuse my dodgy Google Slides artwork skills, but based on this, it’s hardly any wonder why people sometimes feel as resentful as they do, and take it out on others.

The whole 'not getting jealous of and therefore cold towards other people' can be a tricky thing to navigate. Especially as all we ever really see are just other people’s external facades. Their actions, their achievements and what they selectively choose to show the world on Instagram. It all looks very impressive.

Whereas in comparison, we need to constantly live with, and try and manage, our own insecurities, shortcomings, deliberations, mistakes, regrets, and weird inner dialogue.

It’s only natural to negatively assess our comparatively shambolic existence, and come to some variation of the following conclusion: Everyone else is smashing it, and I’m just a shitebag.

Naturally, this conclusion can be the recipe for resentment and negativity. Which, if we happen to be on the receiving end of, can be natural to take as a personal attack.

However, often, it doesn’t tend to be about us at all. Instead, it’s simply a reflection of how the relevant hater feels about themselves.

This realisation is something that I’ve found to be immensely reassuring and generally helpful in this context. It can help provide some perspective, and instead of getting riled up by someone not liking us, we can almost start to feel a degree of pity for them.

If they are carrying around that level of bitterness, it can hardly be a pleasant place to be.

It’s not a ‘fuck the haters’ mentality per se (though that has its benefits too...), but more of an approach to help soften some of the annoyance that can come with being on the receiving end of jealousy-driven dislike.

And to round of a post that started with a Chris Williamson quote, let's finish with one too:

”Basically, most critics are miserable idiots. You’re doing fine.”