60. Impressing others, depressing ourselves

Doing things that look impressive to other people.

One of life’s great seductions.

It’s a temptation that I imagine is pretty deep rooted and hard-wired into us. 

Some classic Blogs & Dogs oversimplified (slash potentially nonsensical) evolutionary psychology coming up, but based on the stuff that I’ve read/watched/listened to in this particular area, a fairly established viewpoint is that a lot of our behaviour can, at its core, be boiled down to wanting to achieve 2x things: 

1) Survive

2) Procreate

As such, based on this, there’s a fairly logical chain of events that can flow backwards from wanting to survive to wanting to impress other people. 

Something like: 

The argument is that our survival seeking brains are essentially incentivised to seek the approval of others. Which can at least partially explain why we generally care so much about other people's opinions.

That can be a good thing. It probably encourages us to put more effort in and try to add a bit more value to other people’s lives than if we didn’t have this urge.

However, it can also be an issue. Mainly as there’s not necessarily always a direct correlation between what looks good to others, and what feels good for us.

If there’s a mismatch there, and we consistently prioritise living in a way that looks good to others but at the detriment to how we actually feel, after a while it can leave us feeling pretty miserable. 

A problem I can speak to from experience. 

Funnily enough, this issue has also been a theme in a couple of things that I’ve been watching recently.

I’m going through a bit of a Boxing documentaries phase at the moment (something that’s about to change with the Euros coming up, come on!!!), and there were a couple of examples that demonstrated this.

Firstly, Rainy Day Boxing did a great little overview of the life and career of George Foreman. In short, when he first became professional (well before he became known for his Grills), the guy was an absolute animal. He basically smashed the fuck out of anyone and everyone. 

Though in terms of how he presented himself to the public, he thought he had to have this ‘hard as nails’ exterior (i.e. similar to Sonny Liston before him). However, this was at odds with who he actually was and how he really wanted to be viewed. After a while, it left him burnt out and resentful towards boxing. Finally, after years of this, he eventually went through a 'nice guy' rebrand.  

George Foreman looking scary. Credit: Google (think that’s how you ref images)

Next up, Sugar Ray Leonard, in the amazing 4-part documentary series The Kings. 

It was a similar story. A mismatch between his public facing exterior, and his internal world. 

Handsome, charming, intelligent, well-spoken - he wasn't just seen as the poster boy of boxing, but of the American Dream more broadly. In the media's eyes, he couldn't do no wrong.

However, behind the scenes he was lost. The limelight, pressure and expectation led him to him spending hundreds of thousands on booze and coke, and generally being an awful/non-existent husband and father. 

Sugar Ray Leonard looking handsome & charming. Credit: Google (again, think that’s how you ref images)

Although different in the specifics, the overarching dichotomy is similar: On the outside, this globally revered World Champion. On the inside, lost and tormented.

It's a similar principle to one that I read a couple of weeks beforehand, from author and journalist Oliver Burkeman:

Just because you’re at the top, it does not mean you’re enjoying life.

The upper ranks of corporate life are dominated by insecure overachievers: people who are driven by a deep sense of inadequacy and are not having any fun, even though they've supposedly won this very competitive race.

Obviously, this is something that we can’t necessarily resonate with on the exact same scale - however, I do think the overarching ‘external vs. internal tension’ is one that we potentially can. 

And that occasional battle between doing something because it looks good to others despite it chipping away at our own self-image/esteem. 

From personal experience, not something that I've found to be a particularly good trade-off. 

The temptations to do so only seem natural though. Especially these days, as so much of our lives, careers, achievements and identities are placed on and broadcasted to so many people on LinkedIn, Instagram etc. 

I think there’s a natural tendency to correlate (or rather, confuse) these desirable external projections/achievements with a desirable internal state/day-to-day existence. 

And as no one can see that latter part, it can be tempting to sacrifice what others can't see, for what they can.

Something that James Clear, in one of his recent 3-2-1 newsletters touched on: 

Stop exchanging things that matter for things that don’t

If you already live a comfortable life, then choosing to make more money but live a worse daily life is a bad trade.

And yet, we talk ourselves into it all the time. We take promotions that pay more, but swallow our free time. We already have a successful business, but we break ourselves trying to make it even more successful.

Too much focus on wealth, not enough focus on lifestyle.

It’s essentially the prioritisation of things other people can see (e.g. money and status) over things that other people can’t see (e.g. mental tranquillity and a genuine day-to-day enjoyment of life). 

And it seems to come down to whether our desire to impress other people outweighs the desire to impress ourselves...