63. Meant well, promise!

Falling out with people isn’t particularly fun, is it?

Though as someone who, at my weaker moments, is fairly disagreeable, grumpy, emotional, and relatively comfortable with confrontation, it’s something that, over the years, I’ve had quite a lot of experience with…

Reflecting on these vast array of heated spats, I can’t help but feel like, I dunno, 70-80% (?) of disagreements happen not because one person is necessarily a malicious shitebag, but because it’s two well-intentioned people with different outlooks, values, circumstances, incentives and general moods.

And that’s a point that I find quite interesting. How often good intentions can lead to a total shit show. 

We’ve all seen how stuff can have its opposite intended effect. 

• People who try too hard to be liked are a pain in the arse

• People who try too hard to be impressive are insufferable 

• People who try too hard to be funny are pitiful

• People who try too hard to be happy are miserable

Promise I’m not speaking from experience! (woopsies…)

Good intentions, bad outcomes.

Another example of this is in the diet industry. There are like HARDCORE Vegan / Carnivore / Keto / (insert relevant diet of choice) advocates. And bloody hell do they go on about it. 

I mean yes, some are financially incentivized to do so. But I genuinely think that the majority of hardcore diet peeps found that that particular approach had such a positive impact on their lives, that their intention is to help others reap the same sort of benefits. 

Though as we know, despite the good intention, it can come across as annoying AF.

I had a relatively recent experience along similar sorts of lines. 

It was kinda funny, though also a reminder of this ‘intention vs. outcome’ thing. 

Basically, a few weeks ago I was in the US (I know, I should have said). 

I was chatting to a girl (ooh, legend!) and we got onto the subject of “Mummy’s boys”. I said I was one, thinking this would be a good thing. You know, close with my family, respectful to women, and just a general cutie.

The response?

“RED FLAG!”

Hmm, interesting. 

I was slightly taken aback by the colour of the flag. But then I thought about it after, and I get it. As opposed to ‘wow, what a nice boy’, it may come across as someone who’s overly dependent, can’t do anything for themselves, and that there will be an overbearing Mother on the scene…

Again, slight disparity between intention and outcome.

Obviously, this is a very trivial/jovial example, but it was a reminder of how often the ‘intention vs outcome’ dynamic can be at play. It’s pretty much there in most interactions; how we want to come across vs. how we actually come across. 

An added layer to this is that we could say the exact same thing, in the exact same way, to two different people. One may think we’re amusing, the other may think we’re a despicable scumbag. 

Naturally, our intentions do affect outcomes, but a load of other stuff like our sense of humour and the general mood we’re in does as well. 

I mean, just from my side, you could call me a ‘sad little speccy s***-blog writing c***’ one day and I’d laugh, say it another day and I may take mild offence. 

Although I don’t think intentions necessarily always excuse actions & outcomes, they can certainly explain them. This is something that I’ve found useful to acknowledge. Especially, to go back to the beginning of this post, in the more heated & confrontational moments of life. I think it can help with a degree of empathy, and adding in a slight pause/reflection/deliberation before we jump into a wild emotional tirade against the person we believe to have wronged us. 

Which again, as someone who's not averse to going off on such a tirade, is something that I've found to have been of benefit.

And yes, don’t worry, I am fully aware of the irony of this well-intentioned post, potentially coming across as anything but…